Too Much, Not Enough

Women's ministry is my passion. From little girls in tutus and mommy's heels, to the woman who questions her value after her husband's affair-- God has put me on this earth to tell them that yes, you are beautiful. Captivating. Desirable. You are not alone. You are enough. But not by your own strength or kindness or beauty.

They say those who can't do-- teach. While God's call on my life is to reach women and speak His power of peace and fulfillment to their hearts, my most stubborn audience is my own mind. My own worst critic, always. "I am too much, and not enough," is the lie that has chronically been whispered in my soul until I turn up the speakers and boom it from my actions. It affects my very spirit, my emotions, and every relationship in my life. I wonder if you can relate.

Growing up, my insecurity was very external: always hiding, afraid to walk in front of a group of people, running to the bathroom every hour to check how my complexion looked (I have always been painfully self-conscious about my skin). It was exhausting and disfunctional on every level. Once I grew out of the awkward 14 year old phase, I grew into a young woman who felt much more secure and confident. I didn't believe I fit the profile anymore for insecure: I love to get dressed up and go out, I enjoy dressing and perfuming in order to look and feel my best, I no longer worry about my skin (well...not nearly as much). And let's be honest, I got good feedback from my peers. No longer was I what one 7th grade girl had referred to as, "Nazi-prison camp skinny." (Yes, that comment has stuck with me for 8 years). No longer did my braces, pimples, and lack of fashion/cosmetics define me. After a lifetime of emotionally beating myself up for being inadequate, unwanted, I reveled in this new-found freedom of feeling beautiful...kissing plenty of boys, just because I could. Even going so far as to intentionally break hearts in order to send out the clear message, "I have what you're looking for. But I don't need you." Insecurity screaming from every direction.

So imagine my reaction whenever dissapointment, inadequacy, abandonment, manipulation...all smacked me in the face once again. Like a jerking reflex, my insecurity rears its ugly head up everytime I experience some sort of inferiority. Constructive criticism? No such thing. Losing? Not an option. Sensitivity? A weakness. After numerous meltdowns, I had several reccomendations to read "So Long, Insecurity" by Christian author and beautiful woman of God, Beth Moore. Right off the bat, Ms. Moore pinned me down and recognized me as one big walking insecurity. Nooooo Beth, this can't be me. Then she zinged me. "Insecurity's best cover is perfectionism. That's when it becomes an art form."

From a young age, I had been desperately competing with alcohol in order to win my Daddy's attention and affection. And, I lost. With the death of my father due to his addiction, I begun to believe that I could never be loved or chosen, because my own Dad didn't pick me, choose me, love me. Too much...not enough. Fathers, listen up... the love and adoration (or lack thereof) that you pour into your daughter will either edify or damage her heart for the rest of her life. I hope the impact of my words are heavy. Your relationship with your little girl is one that is unparalleled to any other relationship she will ever encounter. Cherish it. Protect it. Allow your role as a parent to stretch you and mold you into a man that looks more like Christ: selfless and strong. More on that another day. ;-)

Through much prayer and the counsel of people who love me most on this earth, I have come to accept that much of my self-worth has been placed in the hands of men. But even if he (whoever he may be) were to give me all of himself, every ounce of him investing and honoring and loving me, it still wasn't enough. Why on earth am I not fulfilled and secured by a man who is sinful, innately selfish, and fighting his own battles of insecurity and manhood? Beats me. Cinderella lived happily every after with her prince's mere presence. So I pray, Ok Lord, I'm not understanding why reality doesn't look that way for me. Because those fairytales MUST be real. ;-) I mean, our culture dreams of wedding gowns and white knights, but what really happens after the day I say "I do?" I never have a moment feeling unbeautiful, or crazy, or scatter-brained again! Unfortunately Cinderella hasn't published that part of the story for me yet.

Here's what the Lord has been speaking to my heart, through the form of Beth Moore: "Men are not our problem; it's what we are looking to get out of them that messes us up. Nothing is more baffling than our attempt to derive our womanhood and value from our men." Ouch. Right between the eyes. As much as I believe that men are created to protect women, and women are created to help and captivate, it's a tough realization for me that this is quite impossible in and of itself. I'm not letting men off the hook here. Men, I challenge you to be the most faithful, Godly husbands, brothers, sons, and daddy's that your flesh allows you to be. The way you treat and love your wives, daughters, and friends will shape, stab, or heal their battles and scars in ways you will never understand. BUT...and I'm speaking to myself here... our husbands cannot fix us. Our daddy’s cannot fulfill us. They cannot tell us who we are. Men, if you try to be her god, you will run yourself into a ditch, empty and frustrated. It's not your role, and it never was intended to be.

So I begin my journey to letting go-- of the past, of public opinion, of my fears wounds and insecurities left by men of all ages. I don't know yet what this adventure will look like. It will be painful, and at times I will face setbacks. But I am predestined for victory...and so are you, friend. Come along with me if you like ;-) My goal for this blog is to write an excerpt every time the Lord lays a word on my heart…whether it’s a word of hope, or a lie that needs to be exposed. So here ends my introduction. And here's some hope for tonight.
"Therefore, I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There, I will return to her vineyards and transform the valley of trouble into a gateway of hope." Hosea 2:14-15