Humil-[iation]-ity.

Caution: pray for the Lord to work on an area in your heart, and He will certainly give you opportunities to apply your desired virtue in the face of its opposition. I should have reconsidered the humility prayer.

I headed home to Nashville this past Friday to spend time with my mom and a few friends, so as I started out on my three hour journey, I pulled off at a busy gas station on the main highway in my college town, brimming with lunch-time traffic. As the pump pushed gas into my car, I stared at the rolling numbers on the price meter, visibly cringing at the $3.39 a gallon price tag. In need of a little self-medication and distraction to ease my financial pain, I strolled into the gas station to purchase my typical drug of choice: a 32 oz. Red Bull and a large pack of beef jerky. That's how we do things in East TN, folks. I got back in my car, popped open that heart attack-in-a-can, and quickly pulled out of my space, excited to begin my trip. And then I heard a large thud over the sound of Eric Church on full volume (an impressive feat). Did I just run over something? A wave of sweat broke out over my body as I turned to see the line of gas station customers staring straight at me, mouths hanging wide open. Are they looking at me?! In my excitement to rip open the most redneck snack known to man, I had forgotten to remove the gas pump from my car. Fear settled in as I picture the local headline: "College student's gasoline leak blows up entire town".

Once I realized that gasoline was no longer coming out of the hose, I forgot my fear and remembered to be deeply embarrassed. I knew I had just become "that girl" to my audience of strangers. One man rolled down his window to inform me in his deep southern drawl that he "thought you was about to rip that entire thing right out the ground!" Well sir, that's comforting. None of these people are about to stop staring at me with their mouths open anytime soon, and I am completely at a loss here on how to save a shred of my dignity. I just keep shaking my head in bewilderment, as if to say to everyone "Who put that pump in my car?! What is going on here?" I don't think any of them bought it. I could feel my entire body start to blush, and the tears start to brim, and then I did something shocking and totally out of character-- I BUST out laughing. Not just a chuckle folks, I'm horse laughing, stomach cramping, on the ground much like the poor nozzle that's been stretched to its limit.

I take myself way too seriously. I am constantly aware of how I'm presenting myself, constantly taking inventory on my own efforts for perfection. I can't remember the last time I've been so embarrassed, because frankly, I work carefully to avoid unnecessary attention. It's exhausting, and definitely not a very fun way to live... but mostly, it's prideful. Why am I so concerned with meeting some kind of trivial expectations for myself? Because we live in a world that promotes acceptance and success based only on conditional and temporary measuring sticks. I fear that speaking out in a group will lead to everyone disagreeing or thinking me stupid, not funny, weird. I fear that driving away with the gas pump in my car will make everyone in that gas station whisper about what an incompetent, flighty college sorority girl I must be. The root of these fears come from a desire for acceptance and recognition of personal worth, from other people. But dear heart, we can not still be trying to seek the approval of men if we are a servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10).

So here was my first test in my prayer to be able to relax, admit that I'm an idiot sometimes, and laugh at myself. I am relieved, extremely shocked, and ironically humbled that with the Lord's assistance I was able to discern my mortifying incident for the test that it was, and intentionally choose to not let it ruin my day and put a devastating dent in my self-esteem. It sounds paradoxical, but the surrender of our pride actually does a whole lot more for our dignity-- those people I just embarrassed myself in front of have surely already forgotten about it, but I may have beat myself up about it for the next two weeks! There's no dignity in that kind of insecurity, friend. I'm sure the Lord will make sure I have plenty more opportunities to practice humility here in the near future. You may want to stick around if you want a few good laughs. ;-) Because sometimes it takes a few heavy doses of humiliation before you can have a humble heart.

All things considered, it could have been a lot worse...

 


 

 

I can't..stop..laughing. 

xoxo.jlf