[a jealous love]

I can't stop myself from watching Sister Wives on TLC. Don't judge me. If you haven't heard about it, it is a new TLC special about a polygamist family: how their life works and why they do what they do. This specific family has one husband, 13 and counting kids, three wives, and one more fiancé who is preparing to join the other women as this man's "soulmate." (By the way, I wasn't aware you could have more than one of these...) Now before I get carried away and go off on all the different, passionate tangents stored up in my brain about this entire situation, let me just summarize them all by saying that this show enthralls me in the same way that seeing a train wreck does. You can't.stop.watching. While I'm embarrassed that I've watched every episode so far --Sunday nights at 10 if you are interested ;-) -- I'm less embarrassed to admit that I'm just that much of a nerd, to enjoy learning as much as I can about these women and trying to grasp and understand their justifications of sharing one husband. I have to admit that I've grown to love these women, rather than be appalled by their life choices, because I think they actually offer an only slightly exaggerated portrait of the insecurity in all of us as women. That's a scary realization for us to say out loud, isn't it ladies? I know I'm not the only one who thinks this: at the beginning of every episode, viewers' feedback is written on the screen. Every week I zero in on a quote from a woman who wrote in something like, "I thought it would be crazy, but I kind of relate..." Every time I see this, a shiver goes up my spine as it's only further confirmed that we live in a world where the heart of a woman is not only misunderstood—it is dismissed.

The latest episode featured the 20th anniversary of the husband and his "first wife." The couple is the only one of the three marriages to have only one child, as she has been diagnosed with infertility since the birth of her first and only daughter. Coupled with the frutiful wombs of the other wives, and the newly announced engagement to a fourth wife, Meri is admitting to her husband feelings of jealousy. She always seems on the verge of tears with her constant, deer-in-the-headlights stare that makes me want to jump through that television screen and give this woman a bear hug and box of chocolates. (Because that's what girlfriends do for each other!) Anyways, when confessing her feelings to her husband and asking him if he can fathom what it would be like to imagine her giving part of her attention to another man as he does his multiple wives, he responded saying it made him feel "sick" to even imagine such "vulgar[ity]." HA. I'm not even going to waste my time commentating on the hilarious hypocrisy and distressingly distorted character of this man. But I will say that my heart truly breaks for all these women. Every time I watch this show and hear their stories, I only hear "insecurity!" screaming at full blast. They are all beautiful and sweet and so deserving of one man's undivided love and attention and servanthood! I started to ask myself, "What happens to a woman in order to make her believe the lies that she isn't this precious or valuable?" But then I realized that I already know the answer. We are all short-changing ourselves to some degree. And if you're not, then you deserve an award because you belong to an elite group of women that I have yet to encounter.

The function, design, and purpose of marriage is something I am unbelievably passionate about ever since the divorce of my own parents as a freshman in high school. I truly believe that marriage between one man and one woman was designed to illustrate the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church...and along with the relationship between parent and child, I think there is no more pure and beautiful understanding we can ever have of the Trinity's perfect love. BUT I don't want this blog entry to be about marriage. I have my convictions, but I am still an unmarried woman and I would like to save that entry until I can speak from experience. ;-) What I want to write about is JEALOUSY. But not from the angle that you might expect.

Jealousy in and of itself has come to have only very negative connotations. Hear me when I say that we all need to accept that jealousy can be an extremely sinful practice that binds us in unforgiving and painful chains, and keeps us from celebrating God's presence and blessings in others' lives…guilty. But more on that kind of jealousy another day. Sister, there is a legitimate and righteous jealousy that we need not ever submit to defeat: that is, Godly, jealous love. Jealousy is defined, yes, as envy and fear and greed and coveting. But it also means "zealous vigilance," or protectiveness. The world labels jealous women as crazy, controlling, and clingy. I'm not dismissing that possibility for some of us! But let's not forget that the love we have for our children and our husbands, our families and our closest friends, would not really be love if it was not a jealous, zealous, protective love. It is not only our right, it is our obligation to fight for and protect these relationships with the ferocity and strength of a warrior.

Meri on Sister Wives has been tricked into believing that the jealousy she has for her husband is an unwarranted weakness. How many of us can relate to that? That we must be tough, independent, and hide any feelings of inadequacy or “back-burner” feelings that we have in our relationships. Let’s not be ashamed of our desire to be poured into, pursued, and appreciated….undividedly, individually, and exclusively. It is God-given. Meri’s husband Kody claims he doesn’t understand, and is impatient in listening to her feelings of unworthiness. How many of us have someone in our lives who makes us feel that small and irrational? Sometimes the Devil dresses like a gentleman: he is most effective in that costume. Kody is very quick, however, to be disgusted at the thought of sharing her with another man. Funny how that works.

Disclaimer: Don't let the 1st Corinthians 13 verse about love not being jealous trip you up: jealousy in terms of envy is in fact, never loving. This is merely a short-coming of our English translations and vocabulary: we must read with discretion so as to differentiate between the two definitions of jealousy that have evolved into one threatening word. Call me crazy, but if I suspect or discover my husband (or any man that is pursuing me for marriage) to have any kind of emotional, physical, or even spiritual intimacy apart from me that is inappropriate or dishonoring our relationship, you better believe I'm about to put my fierce face on in order to restore what is rightfully mine. Brad calls this my "Sandra face"...think Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side. Homegirl's courage is impressive...and always classy.

Let's get to the bottom of this rightful jealousy. I hope you've heard Kim Walker's version of the popular worship song, "How He Loves." "He is jealous for me." Have you ever thought about this opening line as you sang? I remember singing this a few years ago and feeling puzzled and downright uncomfortable that God was capable of jealousy. Surely He couldn't identify with such a nasty word! Today, I am on my knees and beyond thankful at His jealousy for me: He has been patiently and fervently pursuing my heart for 20 years, and He desires to protect and transform what is precious to Him...that means you, sister. “Do not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God.” Exodus 34:14. He has literally hated the other gods I have put before him with an intense rage, and He has never stopped romancing me back to Him. If marriage and parenting is meant to be an ordained representation of this relationship between Christ and ourselves, then shouldn’t we be intentional about safe-guarding and “zealously protecting” our husbands’ and our children’s purity in the same way that God is ruthlessly fighting for ours?

Because God wants the absolute best for His children (Himself and His will), He cannot rest until we surrender and trash everything in our lives that is apart from Him. Talk about jealousy! He is not capable of superficial love that only cares about my immediate happiness. No, He is not concerned with the temporary. He wants ALL of me, forever. The good, the bad, and the ugly. NO one knows the secret workings of your heart and mind like He does, and yet paradoxically, NO one can love and forgive you completely like our Savior Christ does. C.S. Lewis writes, "He [God] will have us even though we have shown that we prefer everything else to Him." God, thank you for your jealous pursuit of our bodies, hearts, and minds. Your jealousy is good, and it is holy. Rid everything in us that is not of You.

P.S. I feel sorry for the woman who ever tries to steal my husband’s love or attention; or for the little punk who ever makes fun of my kid. I will hunt you. Be afraid. Let these images be seared into your brain for the day you contemplate such a terrible decision…
;-) xoxo